


I'm Breathing With You

by bsyra



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: A lot of song so maybe this is a song fic, Angst with a Happy Ending, HQ Rarepair Week, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, I Tried, Japanese National Team, Lung Cancer, M/M, Post-Time Skip, Songfic, UshiSaku, UshiSaku Day (Haikyuu!!), don't forget to listen to the song!!, getting darker and darker so good luck, i'm crying because i'm desperate of Ushisaku content, pureushisaku
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 00:16:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28804170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bsyra/pseuds/bsyra
Summary: At first, they were disbelieving, then they start to feel denial, in the end, they feel sincerity. All of the truth is untold between Ushijima Wakatoshi and Sakusa Kiyoomi. But it doesn't stop Kiyoomi to take care of him. Not when he was diagnosed have lung cancer.Or Ushisaku sick fic alongside each other spotify playlist song played in the background
Relationships: Miya Atsumu & Miya Osamu, Miya Atsumu & Sakusa Kiyoomi, Sakusa Kiyoomi/Ushijima Wakatoshi, Ushijima Wakatoshi & Other(s)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	I'm Breathing With You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [to all of ushisaku fans and writers out there](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=to+all+of+ushisaku+fans+and+writers+out+there).



> I'm so happy fact that I finished this fic. This is for all UshiSaku shippers whose dying for their content, I made a long one! This is going to angsty but I swear it's a happy ending. 
> 
> Disclaimer if you don't like the ships, please leave and don't make a rude comment. We're allowed to ships anyone! AND DON'T STEAL MY IDEA THEN CHANGE IT INTO OTHER RELATIONSHIP.
> 
> Thank you! Forgive me if there is any grammatical error because English is not my first language. Happy crying

December 2020 ( 5 Months before Volleyball Olympic 2021)

The thump of balls echoing the Ajinomoto Indoor Training Center since the morning. Endless training has already started for the 2021 Volleyball Olympic. Iwaizumi, as the athletic trainer, was looking at the Japanese team member's records. Looking at the line-up, he has to be proud. The line-up was quite satisfying. Why? The freak duo from Karasuno Highschool, Hinata-Kageyama is in the same team along with Hinata's new crazy setter from MSBY Jackals, Miya Atsumu is in the team as well, though obviously, he brings his jealously over Kageyama. As both of the setters want to impress Hinata with their setting skills. Besides that, he's glad that the Japanese team has all of the best aces from every prefecture. Everyone seems in a good condition. For now.

Iwaizumi is turning his heels towards the big, tall muscular man that was sitting down on the side of the court. He lets his smirks goes up,

"Tired already, Ushijima-san?" Either it's a concern or Iwaizumi just wants to tease the former Shiratorizawa ace, Wakatoshi doesn't care. He's too preoccupied with the burning sensation inside his chest that made him panting harshly so that's why Iwaizumi finds him while he sat down on the floor. _Recovery, It's called recovery_ he said to himself.

Wakatoshi finishes his water then stands up, staggering in the process, causing Iwaizumi to panic.

"Whoa-whoa, You good? Who are you? What did u do to our Ushijima Wakatoshi?" Iwaizumi patted his back. It is weird to see someone who's really strong and always in top condition sitting down outside the court rather than do some serving.

Wakatoshi shakes his head slowly with a smile rising on his face, " I'm fine, thank you for your concern. It just, I'm a little bit tired. But I'm happy." he let out a small deep chuckles

"Happy that you play for the national team? Come on, it's not your first time. Well...Isn't it?" Iwaizumi starts questioning himself.

Since day one, whenever they have a team gathering, Wakatoshi becomes very light as in emotional expression? He smiles a lot not wide, but it was a very generous small smile that he shows whenever hears the other teammate talks. His eyes will go sparkling bright when he is on the court nor off the court especially when he looks toward his 'forever' rival—

"Wakatoshi-kun"

—oh there you go. Iwaizumi snaps back to reality. Watching Wakatoshi put down his bottle on the ground then walks face to face against his endless-time rival. Sakusa Kiyoomi. The opposite hitter of MSBY Black Jackals. One of the top three high school boys volleyball ace. He doesn't know when and where did Kiyoomi and Wakatoshi become close. They called each other by their first name where nobody ever dares called Ushijima Wakatoshi, not by his family name (unless it's Tendou Satori or Bokuto Koutaro then all the honorific is gone)

And don't forget with the _-Kun_ right there.

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes as he approached the monster duo. "Great! Now, Sakusa-san please take care of Ushijima and don't let him sit again or I will make him warm the bench forever." He lets out his evil laugh while patting Wakatoshi's shoulders.

Kiyoomi's lips slowly turn upwards as he nods to the trainer, "Of course, it's my pleasure, Iwaizumi-san."

Iwaizumi grins then left the duo to watch the others.

Kiyoomi's eyes stay at Iwaizumi's back, fully aware that the other man was watching him with a sharp gaze in front of his side face. He could feel Wakatoshi's warm breath gently whispering on his cheeks, it makes him blush a little knowing that their distance is relatively close.

"Never know you love taking care of someone, Kiyoomi. What kind of good concern you have" Wakatoshi teasing the younger one. "But, don't need to worry because I will not sitting on the bench." he punctuated every single of his words as his eyes telling _I will play, we will play together_

"I'm not, Wakatoshi-kun. I just wanna.." the younger took a step back to open up some distance between them as he throwing up a volleyball to the sky and catching it again.

Wakatoshi is waiting for him to finish his sentence. Kiyoomi knows that no matter how long Kiyoomi searching for the right words, Wakatoshi will always wait patiently. Since they met in Junior High School Training Camp. Wakatoshi always waits for him to be better, waits to meet him in the youth camp, waits to play against each other in national, waits for Kiyoomi to join the V. League division 1 team.

Kiyoomi turned his back, "wanna show you some nastiest spin I've been practicing for." He's glancing to see Wakatoshi's (handsome) face and smile "bet you can handle it, can't you ?"

and Wakatoshi follows his lead.

* * *

Despite Wakatoshi is in the good mood but there is something wrong. Kiyoomi knows that. _He feels that._ He might seem -technically, he is- like the type of person who doesn't care about anyone especially those who don't take care of their hygiene seriously. He will be keeping himself away from people, not letting them touch him, always take a bath first because the hot tube will be full of germ if he waits for others.

Meanwhile, when it comes to Wakatoshi he found the true definition of endearing. It's because he always watching him, admiring him and he spends the rest of his teenage life until now, paying attention to every single little thing Wakatoshi does. Maybe it's his hygiene — the time when Kiyoomi founds him dried his hand with a handkerchief and fold it with the damp side in—, maybe it's his perfect back aching posture when he serving and spiking — one night he imagined how perfectly Wakastoshi's arching his back in the bed.. ugh damn teenager hormones—, or maybe he just want to play side by side in the same team. Not on the other side of the net.

To reach that goal, Kiyoomi practice harder. He also watches every Wakatoshi match clip from junior high school until he's playing professionally.

So what he sees right now —Wakatoshi panting heavily— he sure this is bad. He could see the man's shoulder was shaking yet he successfully manage the receive. Still on point but lack power so sometimes the ball slings off from his arm. His face flushed red. His mouth gaping like a fish searching for oxygen. But Wakatoshi didn't stop. It feels like he doesn't want to.

Kiyoomi grabs the ball tighter as he prepares to do another jump serve. His brow furrows, "Should we stop?" he asked in a small voice

"No."

Damn right Kiyoomi knows Wakatoshi will say that. Suddenly Kiyoomi got an idea. He threw the ball toward Wakatoshi make the ace shock and slips the ball. Yeah, that is very not Wakatoshi.

"Well, I didn't catch that. You do love surprises, Kiyoomi." He chuckled and Kiyoomi just shrug his shoulder slightly,

"I do, now show me yours" he whispered as he watches Wakatoshi jogs little to get the ball that land across the other side of the court.

Poor Wakatoshi, the ball land on the side where Fukurodani ace and Hinata were practicing together.

"HEY HEY HEYY! Fancy seeing you here, come on give me a bro hug, Wakkun!" Bokuto, energetic as always, warps his arm into Wakatoshi shoulders and leans his body.

Wakatoshi picks up the ball and slowly turn his head to Bokuto, " Well, of course" he tilted his head

Bokuto let out a big laugh that could make Kiyoomi's ears bleed even he is far away from them. " No, Wakkun! I mean, you always on another side of the court. It's okay, I know this place is HUGE."

Yes, Kiyoomi could agree with that. The camp has four different courts and they used it all. That's why his lazy ass told him to just stay in one court near the bench and washroom so he doesn't have to spend his precious energy on something that ineffective.

"Ushijima-san! Practice some serve with me will you?" A very bright sunshine smile from Hinata could make anybody's eyes hurt right now.

"Of course, but later Hinata. I'm practicing my serve with Kiyoomi right now." Wakatoshi points his finger to Kiyoomi who is waiting for him across the court.

"OOOH Omi-kun!! Heyooo come on practice with us!" Bokuto waving his hands to Kiyoomi.

The black curly man just glares at Wakatoshi as if it told him to hurry up come back here and play with me. But seeing Wakatoshi murmured apologetic words, _"I'm sorry, come here will you? Let's practice together with others too"_ with a smile, it's successfully made Kiyoomi walks towards them.

"As long it's Wakatoshi-kun." he sighed in defeat.

In contrast with Kiyoomi's gloomy mood, Bokuto becomes more hyper. "Yeah! That's soo cool, Wakkun! Even when he was my teammate in Jackals, I can't be pursuing him like how you did! You are amazing" with one of his arms cling to Wakatoshi's shoulders, Bokuto patting his back harshly makes Wakatoshi crouched and coughing at the same time in surprise.

"Ushijima-san!" Hinata put his arm into Wakatoshi's back. "It's all your fault, Bokuto-san!" Hinata let out a grunt. Bokuto grins as he crouching aside Wakatoshi, soothing his back "I'm sorry Wakkun, I might be too strong"

 _That's not sound apologetic at all_ , Kiyoomi said to himself while he is rushing his step.

Wakatoshi covering his mouth. He feels he spits something in his hands so he decides to excuse himself to the restroom.

"Um.. okay," Bokuto and Hinata said at the same time with a sad tone, watching the ace's back taking some stuff from his duffel bag.

Kiyoomi follows him quietly to the restroom. Although Kiyoomi is still outside the restroom, he could hear Wakatoshi continuously cough. He opened the door but stops in the middle as Wakatoshi's phone rings.

He leans to overhear the conservation.

"No... I apologize I don't think I could make it" Wakatoshi's shaky voice echoing the restroom. "The training will start in the morning at 8" That is their daily training schedules what's the matter? why he seems like trying to convince someone? Kiyoomi keeps his hand tightly around the doorknob

"No. Please tell the doctor to cancel it"

Doctor? Kiyoomi eyes going in awe. As soon as Wakatoshi hung the telephone, Kiyoomi banged the restroom door.

"What the hell was that?" he asked in a breathy tone. His eyes scanning around him and land on Wakatoshi's stoic face.

"You supposed to train with others, Kiyoomi," He said as nothing happen.

Kiyoomi closed their distance gap, "don't tell me what to do." he scanning Wakatoshi eyes as if he hides something then turning his head to the damp wastages that Wakatoshi used. Still, he found nothing. All clean.

"I'm fine" Wakatoshi tries to ensuring him again. Kiyoomi shakes his head furiously.

"No, you were coughing" He continuously search for a clue or whatever he trying to hide.

"Maybe it's just cold. It's winter after all."

"You know, you're not very good with lying". His brain suddenly clicked together and lights up when he remembered something. The handkerchief. His eyes gazing toward Wakatoshi's body then look to his jacket pocket.

He yanks Wakatoshi's jacket closer to him, his other hand searching for the pocket. Found it! He was going to pull it out but Wakatoshi grips his wrist tight.

"Don't" he murmurs.

"Let me see, Wakatoshi-kun" He pulls his hands out, he must see the handkerchief. That's the only way he knows if Wakatoshi hiding something from him or not.

On other hand, Wakatoshi's grip harder made Kiyoomi winch in pain. "Don't hurt my wrist!", reflex, Kiyoomi's free hand slaps Wakatoshi palms. The other man let go of Kiyoomi's arm in surprise.

Kiyoomi grabs his handkerchief then opens the damp side. All he could see is beyond his imagination

_Blood. Ushijima Wakatoshi is coughing blood._

The handkerchief was white however it turns out become red.

"Enough Sakusa." Kiyoomi shots to Wakatoshi, who look at him with a sharp gaze. " You invaded my personal space. I can't tolerate even yo—"

Kiyoomi snaps at him, " I? Invaded your space? What the hell are you talking about!" he raging up as he throws the handkerchief to the floor then grabs his collar. Their similar height is beneficial for Kiyoomi to look into his eyes.

"You are a god damned sick, you coughing out bloo—"

He gasps as he found Wakatoshi's large calloused palm covering his mouth and nose.

"You're. too. loud." His word sharper than a knife, his gaze could burn Kiyoomi eyes right now. He pressing to Kiyoomi's mouths so hard that Kiyoomi aching for some oxygen. but Wakatoshi didn't let go. This is not Wakatoshi or is it? Wakatoshi that he knew is he's always polite and gentle. However, is this Wakatoshi true self behind that calm and stoic face? Is it his true persona? Kiyoomi feels their friendship all over the years with him is wasted.

 _I'm scared, please let me go. I need to breathe_. Kiyoomi eyes become watery. He gasping for breath as he shuts both of his eyes and let a single tear fall freely in his cheeks.

Wakatoshi's eyes widen as he felt something wet against his palm. He urgently takes away his palm and hugs Kiyoomi."I'm sorry, I'm sorry"

like a mantra chanted over and over escaped from Wakatoshi's mouth sounds very soothing in Kiyoomi's ears. It makes his shoulder stop shaking and his breath become steady. Then he let go of his hug, resting his back and his head to the nearest restroom walls.

Kiyoomi slowly braving himself to see Wakatoshi in the eyes.

"I'm worried" he hates how he sounds very shaky.

Wakatoshi didn't look at him, but he stares up toward the ceiling.

"So was I" he answered weakly

Kiyoomi had a lot of question in his mind, "Waka—"

"If you ask me, my answer it's always the same. I don't know." Wakatoshi slowly straightening his back and took the handkerchief from the floor. Folded the damp side in and put it back in his pocket.

Kiyoomi pressing his lips together and close his eyes. He brings his arm to warping up himself in a hug. "and about the doctor?" he asked while gazing down to the ground

Wakatoshi lets out a huff. "I, no, my father. He knows it. He is already made an appointment for me but my schedule always crossing."

"About tomorrow?"

Wakatoshi didn't answer, instead, he picked up his stuff and walk out past Kiyoomi.

"We have the training, aren't we?" but before he reaches the door, Kiyoomi turned around to grabs his jacket.

"No. You don't have to come. I mean— we could skip the morning practice." He fidgeting Wakatoshi's edge jacket nervously.

Wakatoshi gives his heavy grunt, "it's fine, it might be just a cold"

"Do you know how much I hate nothing more than people who—"

"— are careless and unprepared. I know you very well, Kiyoomi" Wakatoshi gently grab Kiyoomi's hands that still clutching tights on his jacket.

Kiyoomi knows better than others, all of the athlete in the court pays attention to their health and lives. When his high school team lost because of the injury of their captain. No matter how well they're prepared, accidents happen. So Kiyoomi fucking knows for sure that you can't be ready for everything. Yet, he persisted. This is not an accident, this is something that they can prevent.

"I'm afraid I will make others worry."

Kiyoomi shooking his head. He could feel Wakatoshi's warm hands around his hand so he decides to tighten the grip.

"You don't have to tell them..." he staggering for a moment ", for now at least" his voice softened as he looked Wakatoshi was holding his hand like Kiyoomi was made from diamond. Delicate and careful.

"You come with me then," he said with a smile that starts to bloom.

For several times, Kiyoomi found himself lost at admiring Wakatoshi, especially when he is the only one who gets a chance to see it alone.

...

_"It's so sweet, knowing that you love me. Thought we don't need to say it, each other sweet."_

Sakusa Kiyoomi's Spotify playlist currently playing: Sweet- Cigarettes After Sex

...

* * *

Both of them left the training camp together in the early morning. Kiyoomi made an excuse so both Iwaizumi and the coaches allowed them to skip morning training.

Wakatoshi and Kiyoomi dress in a black coat to protect them from the winter wind. However, inside the hospital was warmer than they thought so they decide to take them off. Wakatoshi does some medical check-up (MCU) with the nurse first while Kiyoomi searches for any food and snacks in the hospital cafeteria. Kiyoomi ended up bring two cups of tea and Hayashi rice remembered Wakatoshi has been fasting for almost 8 hours to do the MCU.

Kiyoomi adjusting his masker again. He's not a fan of hospitals because, yes, germs are everywhere. But the fact he's worried about Wakatoshi health so there he is, sitting on a long couch surrounded by sick people

"You've been adjusting your masker hundredth time since we got here." A deep chuckle comes from his ~~(boy)~~ friend who walking towards him with a soft gaze on his face.

Kiyoomi responds with a grunt. Not wanting to look in his eye. _does Wakatoshi-kun always watch him?_ Kiyoomi blushing behind the mask but shakes his head quickly then hands him the rice.

Wakatoshi sits beside him with their knees touching. "Thank you, you don't have to"

Kiyoomi tightening his hoodies as Wakatoshi eat the Hayashi rice slowly and quietly. Kiyoomi studies Wakatoshi side figures. The man is sitting straight - always in his perfect posture- but Kiyoomi realized his shoulders were tense.

"Why you don't want to tell the other?" Kiyoomi starts the conversation when he saw Wakatoshi's spooning the leftover Hayashi rice.

Wakatoshi swallowed his last spoon, "I don't see the importance of it."

His answer is simple yet somehow Kiyoomi felt so wrong.

"But it is?" he cocks his head to see Wakatoshi side face

His teammate left him with the silence while cleaning up the food trash then throwing it to the bin next to him. Kiyoomi keeps an eye on his movement, "Or at least, relax your shoulders and lean back to the chair." Kiyoomi continues.

Wakatoshi does what he told. When his spine touches the chair he let out a soft sigh.

"It doesn't matter." His eyes still gazing forward. Kiyoomi decides to wait for another word that comes up from his mouth but he hears nothing.

"not coach then? Or I don't know maybe Satori, your closest friend.. oh, or maybe Oikawa-san?" Kiyoomi gasped for a bit to tease him.

"Kiyoomi..." Wakatoshi's deep voice stopping his chitchat. Kiyoomi let his shoulder shrunk. "Sorry," he said.

Wakatoshi huffed as he turns his head to see Kiyoomi's face. "It's fine, I promise. The doctor will tell me what's going on, then what is the treatment. It's not a huge deal."

He stops for a moment then continues his line,

"I don't need to tell everyone, and not Oikawa too. He plays for another country so why should I?" Wakatoshi let a confusing painting on his stoic face.

"Well," Kiyoomi gazing him down, "you told me"

Wakatoshi shuts his eyes, "I mean, the people that I love"

Kiyoomi suddenly straightens his back, "Hey! I love you, You know?" He abruptly said. God, did he just confessing to Wakatoshi? At the fucking hospital?

On the other hand, Wakatoshi laughed softly. He opens his eyes to make eye contact with the athlete. "Do you really think rivals can love each other? Because I thought their feeling will be full of hatred and jealously." He smirks at Kiyoomi who stares at him with disbelieve.

Kiyoomi throwing away his face to the other side then start laughing too, "damn right" he murmured with a smile behind his mask. Kiyoomi fixed his gaze to his shoes, "At least, you should smile more" he told Wakatoshi.

He replies with a hum. " Fine. But I think is not fair".

Kiyoomi raising his eyebrows in amusement. " Really? How it's unfair?"

Wakatoshi slowly brings his hand to Kiyoomi's mask, "This. You also shouldn't wear the mask too often" as his finger taps to Kiyoomi's lips.

_Because I want to see your smile_

Kiyoomi snaps Wakatoshi's fingers to bring his own finger lowering down the mask. He surely knows that Wakatoshi could see his blushing cheeks that he was trying to hide. "Happy?" he's pouting his lips. And Wakatoshi only replies with a soft smile painting gracefully on his face.

* * *

"Ushijima Wakatoshi?"

The athletes turn their heads toward the voice. " Come on, let's meet the doctor".

Kiyoomi could feel anxiety rising from his chest as he watches Wakatoshi stands up to gather up their stuff. After bowing to the doctor, both of them sit in the doctor consultation room.

"Morning, gentleman. this is might be not very pleasant news."

Kiyoomi gulps, his eyes slightly watching Wakatoshi who sits upright. _He also scared, does he?_ Kiyoomi thinks.

The doctor shoves him some of a diagnoses paper, thoracic x-rays, and a laboratory report test. "We are very sorry that you have been diagnoses to have lung cancer, Ushijima-san"

The cup of the hot tea somehow becomes cold in instant. The sound of winter wind breezing outside the building it's getting harsher. Kiyoomi feels like he's the one who loses his breath. and Wakatoshi seems... lost.

The doctor sighs, "Before we go to treatment, is there any question you want to ask?"

Wakatoshi thinks for a moment then slowly nodding his head repeatedly. " Yes.. why?"

"Beg your pardon?"

W _akatoshi must be really shocked, is he?_ Kiyoomi thought.

"I don't smoke. I'm healthy. I'm an athlete and I pay attention to my daily routines. And I don't feel any symptoms before"

Kiyoomi doesn't expect Wakatoshi would elaborate it like he's being denial?

The doctor nod as he opens another document. "As far as we concern, it might because of genetics. Does any family or relative have respiratory cancer?"

Wakatoshi shrugged his shoulders, "I don't know very much about my family, besides my father."

Kiyoomi gritted his teeth. _His father has always been in the USA. Shiratorizawa was a boarding school. So, Wakatoshi has always been alone in his life. Why I wasn't aware of that?_

"Is there any treatment?" Wakatoshi held his head high. Fixing his eyes toward the doctor. The doctor smiles at him as he shoves a tablet screen in front of Wakatoshi's face. Kiyoomi took closer but not close enough to see what is inside the tablet. Yet, he could see Wakatoshi's eyes glistering with tears as his eyes scan the tablet furiously.

"That's all that we can afford. The best option is to go to chemotherapy because your type of cancer is small cell lung cancer knows as SCLC. Not deadly but tends to grow and spread faster than non-small cell lung cancer. And highly will return at some point."

The doctor continues, 'Because lung cancer will grow double size in between four to five-month, We can prevent the growth from now. The good news is your cancer is still in stage 1B so it might be improving the survival rates. But that also the reason why the patient usually doesn't feel the sign when in early cancer stage but they do feel coughing blood and breathing problems."

"The faster, the better" Wakatoshi breath out harshly. The doctor nods as he tells them more about the side effects of chemotherapy.

"It may not stops the cancer growth since cancer has already spread to the membrane and covering the surface of your lung but it reducing the quantity and the speed of their growth. However, this can cause unpleasant side effects such as, feeling tired, hair loss, being sick, and fatigue. you may also pain in the joints. Over a few months, I recommended pressing down your training. It would be better if we also talk to your coach as we want t—"

.

.

All of the voices in the room— the doctor's explained, Wakatoshi's fasten breathing— it's all sinking into a void in Kiyoomi's ears. Kiyoomi hugs himself tighter as he tries to sink into the chair. He wishes he could hold Wakatoshi's hands and calming him down. He wishes so many good damn things he can not do. Why it has to be Wakatoshi after all? Why not him? Why is not someone else? He's not sure but what he truly aware of now is the way Wakatoshi's eyes start to losing his brightness.

...

_I didn't know how much I'd care. I didn't know how much I cried. And I didn't know that I would love you like I do. Until you were gone, gone, gone_

Sakusa Kiyoomi's Spotify playlist currently playing: gone gone gone - HONNE

...

* * *

Kiyoomi isn't even certain that Wakatoshi handling well his condition right now, though he seems confident with the doctor when they agreed to the chemotherapy schedule. He is walking behind Wakatoshi, studying the man from behind. Not sure what he's going to ask, maybe a 'you okay?' or 'sorry?' or maybe 'it's okay, I'm here ..?' Kiyoomi doesn't really know what to do. He looks at his strong back, tall, and perfect walking posture. Bet nobody will aware that this healthy and pro volleyball athlete has cancer, which currently eating his lungs, seeing how fast he walks toward their car.

The ride is coated with silence. Kiyoomi does not like it. It's not like because both of them are typical - quiet person -. Whoever says he and Wakatoshi is a boring duo must have not seen how often they throw an insult towards each other but always ending with a smile and sincere laugh. They do something exciting and they make their relationship exciting. However, this is a very unpleasant silence with full of tension and untold truths.

"Wakatoshi-kun" he finally build the courage to speak up.

"Yes. I will tell them, Kiyoomi"

Kiyoomi facing Wakatoshi's side face with a surprise, "Mindreader" He chuckled.

Wakatoshi's eyes still gazing to the road, his grip in the stir-wheel tighten, "I will tell the coach too"

"Yeah, that too." Kiyoomi hummed. As he continues examining Wakatoshi's face, tracing every single of his face muscle movement. Concerned, worried, and disappointed? Kiyoomi thought about the latter. The doctor said it is a genetic condition so Wakatoshi shouldn't blame himself.

"You know..." Wakatoshi spoke while the car was waiting for the green light.

"I want us to win, so I tried" he sighed. "But then my condition... It's so sudden."

"We're going to win, Wakatoshi-kun," Kiyoomi said as he reaching his phone to open the calendar.

His eyes searching for Friday which is two days from now to type " _1st Chemo_ "

Wakatoshi replies with silence.

"Don't blame yourself" Kiyoomi's turning his gaze up to Wakatoshi's stoic face.

Wakatoshi shook his head a little, he keeps it high but his gaze is wistful.

"Wakatoshi-kun. Look at me"

With a pair of Wakatoshi's eyes meet his own gaze, he let pull his mask down. "You'll die in old age. And we will get the gold medal this year, and next year, then a year after."

"I hope so" he nods in agreement.

After a long of unbearable discomfort ride, they arrived at the training camp. "Kiyoomi" Wakatoshi grabs his arm before he gets out of the car

"Friday.."

 _his chemotherapy day_ Kiyoomi thinks, "what about it?"

"stay on the camp"

"No" He sounds sure

Wakatoshi's eyebrow fused, "I would like to see you play with your full potential. Don't waste your time with me"

This bastard. "Being with you is not wasting my time" Kiyoomi's words are clear and sharp.

Wakatoshi rolled his eyes then breaking the eye contact. His olive eyes wandering far away as far as Kiyoomi wants to slap his cheek as it's saying look at me! not the god-damn building we've always seen since in junior highschool national camp.

"Don't roll at me" he squeaks, this is the first time he sees Wakatoshi annoyed because that expression shows how he hates 'being weak' painting in that stoic face. "Why? you don't like that?"

"Yes."

Kiyoomi nodded while he slings his backpack. Then before he reaches to open the door, he turned around to see Wakatoshi, "And do you think I care?"

Wakatoshi humming playfully. Jesus christ this guy would be the death of me. "I guess that you're not." always giving the simplest answer.

Then he brought his face closer to Kiyoomi, "So, should I need to do something more _wicked_ to pushing you away?"

"I would like to see how hard you try, Wakatoshi-kun"

See? They are a rival on and off the court since they're adolescent. It's already in their veins to make their relationship interesting.

* * *

The day passed, weeks turned into a month. They celebrated A New Year together in the camp. Wakatoshi goes to his therapy every month, but he's still not letting Kiyoomi accompanied him. Kiyoomi knew that Wakatoshi was _trying - too hard-_ to pushing him away. One time, Kiyoomi asked the couch about his condition, all he got was, "You don't have to worry, Sakusa-san. Just practice more your receive ok?". _Very informative, thank you_. Kiyoomi rolled his eyes at the coach. Iwaizumi had mentioned in their monthly health report that Wakatoshi has a stable body condition, he suggested Wakatoshi do some marathon jogs to builds up his endurance. However, he manages to caught Wakatoshi coughed blood sometimes. He is also aware that Wakatoshi is surpassing himself to not overtraining even his eyes full of hunger to play more. Kiyoomi worried that calm-and-composed Wakatoshi will let out his rage on the match.

Contradicted with Kiyoomi's prediction, the first elimination went smooth. Furthermore, they manage to pass the quarterfinals, then the semifinals. Wakatoshi didn't show some of the chemo side effects. He lost some weight but he doesn't look really pale. But still, Kiyoomi being paranoid.

So he stays. He has always been on the man side. Training, stretching, cooling down, and even sleeping — well duh, they're roommates— At the moment, he sits on the changing room bench as he slowly sinking to the wall he rested too.

"I told you, we made it" his gaze looking up to Wakatoshi who was dressing in the national jersey

"What do you mean?"

"We made it into the final"

"Are you nervous already?" he let a mocking smirk display on his face.

Kiyoomi had no idea why this big-buff man still has the energy to joke around when cancer is currently eating his lung. Shouldn't feel a little bit desperate?

"Wakatoshi-kun" Kiyoomi doesn't mean his voice to be this concern. not when only two of them left in the locker room.

He felt a tight grip on his shoulder. "I'm fine"

"And who said that you aren't?" Kiyoomi snapped but put his hand upon Wakatoshi's wrist and squeezing softly as his body leaned to his strong arm

Wakatoshi pulling him to stand up.

"We will ready for warm-up, come on" they heard Iwaizumi is shouting from outside of the locker room.

"Just.. don't push yourself too hard," says Kiyoomi behind his mask. Wakatoshi brings his palms up toward Kiyoomi's ear, releasing his mask so he could see the pouting lips with a concerned gaze from Kiyoomi.

"Can't promise that, " he chuckled while folding his mask into a pocket-size fitted then put it on Kiyoomi's bag, "Because..."

Kiyoomi's waiting for his next word. Try to understand how stubborn Wakatoshi is. But what he didn't expect is when he felt a warm soft heat radiating from his right cheek. as he found Wakatoshi's thumbs rubbing soothingly his cheekbones.

A low hum successfully made Kiyoomi's body shivers. He still not getting used to the fact that they finally play **together**. In the same side of the court. He remembered clearly all of their previous matches. The way they both cheered after a spike from Wakatoshi hit the Italia's courtside led them to win the sets, or when Kiyooomi scored with _his service ace_ then found Wakatoshi smiled at him, or when he felt restless after intense practice, he found himself leaning toward Wakatoshi's body as the man massaging his arm. All of those small -yet Kiyoomi felt intimate- interactions made Kiyoomi forget the rivalry tension between them.

"This is my only chance. To.. _(play alongside you_ ) serve the country well."

Kiyoomi was displeased to hear the answer― "Wow! clichés. Like you aren't the most outstanding player out there? If you talking bout you afraid can't afford the gold medal, there is another chance!" Kiyoomi's breath shortens as his shoulder raising. How mad he is. No. how desperate he is that he wants to hugs this man in front of him. _Why you give up so easily?_ He angers

"There is no time, Kiyo―" Wakatoshi gasped when the younger launching himself to him grip his jersey tight, like a koala clinging into his mother.

"If we're not having it today then we will in next year and a year later too!"

Kiyoomi felt so hopeless. Why Wakatoshi is giving up so early? Why he acting like tomorrow he's going to die? Where did his optimism go?

He brings his face closer then find him smelling the fresh-mint breath from Wakatoshi's mouthwash -the one he recommended to him- "It might be your second time playing as a national team but then it will be your third and I'll be there too so there is a time fo―"

Wakatoshi shut his eyes, annoyance showed on his face.

"There is a time for you but not for me!"

Wakatoshi never yells. People say he always calm and composed. He had little emotional range. Clearly, his deep voice doesn't suit for yelling. He doesn't mean to sound harsh. He never means to say those words to Kiyoomi. Because it's something Wakatoshi tried to keep from him all of this time. Kiyoomi should not have to know that Wakatoshi is afraid of dying

 _what?_ Kiyoomi slowly releasing his grip. Both of them are panting hard with their breath colliding. The room feels hot and intense.

"Perhaps...you're pushing me away, it's because you're afraid of dying?" Kiyoomi said between his breath as he tries to proceeding the man's words.

Wakatoshi ignoring him. He turned his heels to approach the door, "It's better to end our conversation here"

Kiyoomi wants to protest "BUT you're not! dyin―"

"Sakusa." he said with a long breath escape from his mouth.

Then the sound of the door closed, leaving Kiyoomi alone with his burned thought. He let a soft hiccup escaping his mouth. two of his hand brought to covering his redden face

Why is he crying? Who is actually afraid of dying? Is it Wakatoshi or him? Is he afraid Wakatoshi will die soon? And now who's being denial? Wakatoshi always says 'I'm fine'. Kiyoomi persists that he's not. Then he realizes, he is the one who afraid of Wakatoshi was gone. He afraid, in fact, he's not ready, to lose Wakatoshi so soon. Is he?

...

" _All my tears are running down my face now. It's hard to speak. With all up in my throat."_

_Sakusa Kiyoomi's Spotify playlist currently playing: One Away to Tokyo- Honne_

...

Slowly, Kiyoomi wiping his tears when he heard someone call his name

"Ah, you're still here Sakusa-san" Iwaizumi's concerned voice makes him feel guilty.

The trainer shrugs his shoulder, "Whatever happens between you and Ushijima..."

Kiyoomi shaking his head. Damn, he knew. Kiyoomi cursed inside.

"Don't let it shaken your teamwork okay?" Iwaizumi patted his back then dragging him out from the locker room.

Of course, Kiyoomi talks to himself. That's what Wakatoshi said as he remembers he asked him 'w _hat if you and your team argued before the match begin?'_ He remembers both of them watched the match from the podium, wearing their high school jersey. 'When I step into the court, my goal is clear. Leave all problems behind then come out as a winner. The problems will vanish for sure.'

And Kiyoomi understands. He lives with his motto. To go out with a smile, ending in a victory. Both would be nice but he doesn't find either particularly necessary. So when Kiyoomi eyes land on the orange court. He took a glance at Ushijima who was also looking at him since they stand side by side.

The commentators began introducing the Japanese team one by one,

Ushijima Wakatoshi enters the court.

_Leave all the problem behind_

Alongside Sakusa Kiyoomi

_then come out as a winner_

But what if they don't come out as a winner? What if they lost? Will the problems vanish? In reality, volleyball and life are something different. They felt alive in court. But they can't ignore the world when stepping aside from the court. Volleyball or not, the problems will remain. Until they're both willing to untie whatever tangled words between them.

...

_Saying you'd wait for me to stay, I know it hurts you. But I need to tell you something. My heart just can't be faithful all the time. I swear I'll only make you cry._

Ushijima Wakatoshi's Spotify playlist currently playing: Cry - Cigarettes after Sex

...

It was a spectacular and nostalgic match. Both teams had a great time together on the court. However, their loss felt devastating for Wakatoshi as he steps outside the court. _It was great, I was great, I—_ as he tries to regain his breath back, his head feels dizzy. The familiar pain squeezing his chest made him let out a grunt. Soon as after that he found himself panting against his locker room with his head leaning over the cold metal. A stupid _disease_ he thought. _it's all my fault, I made my team lost._

"Wakatoshi-kun?"

His spine feel numbs. He hears some voice echoing but doesn't catch it clearly so he thought he lost his hearing. Who is talking to him? He doesn't know. The pain spreading through his chest is awfully full of burning sensation. _Air, I need air_. Wakatoshi intend to push himself from the locker to go to the washroom instead he found himself loosen up his balance then accidentally bumped his head to the nearest wall in front of him. His legs losing power to stay on the ground. A tickling bubble starts raising from his throat. He starts to feel nausea coming from his gut. Until the pool of drops of blood spurting out freely from his mouth as they finally waiting the right time to escape after being hold up for a long time. He brings his hand to stop the coughing. The floor he was sitting on becoming greasy and slippery because of his blood mixed with sweat, and... tears (?), He could hear some sobs and he felt another hand warps into his mouth.

" _toshi-kun— breath.."_

When he tried to regain his focus back, a familiar bright and clean white handkerchief is now painted with deep crimson red. He can't tell the difference between the color from his blood and from the Japanese jersey he was wearing but one thing he knows for sure is that he fell upon someone's body that lullabied him to sleep.

...

" _if this is the last time please come close, I love you with all my heart you know. I don't wanna cry, I'm bad at goodbye. If this is the last time."_

Sakusa Kiyoomi's Spotify playlist currently playing: if this is the last time - LANY

...

* * *

D _ocetaxel, paclitaxel, gefitinib, and—_ Kiyoomi eyes were too blurry because of the endless tears as he tried to collect every single Wakatoshi's medicine from his bag in both of his trembling hands. He rushed to Iwaizumi and the doctor who was sitting aside from Wakatoshi's bed in their room. He half bowing to the doctor as the doctor give some syringe injection to stabilize Wakatoshi's condition after losing some blood.

"thank you, Sakusa-san. I was aware of his condition too at the end of the fifth set, " Iwaizumi puts the medicine at the top of the cupboard for the ace when he wakes up. Iwaizumi turning his head to see a pair of Kiyoomi eyes.

"I didn't think you were too. Guess, you did keep him on eyes, didn't you?" as a smile rising from the trainer's face, Iwaizumi eyes show him a concern. And some pity that Kiyoomi doesn't like.

Kiyoomi doesn't reply to whatever the trainer said to him. He too busy replaying the scene when he's found Wakatoshi-kun aftermath. Like a broken video recorder, his head keeps playing the smelly scent of blood, the sound of his heavy and breath coughing, the weight he feels when the man was in his embrace, and the salty tears running down through his cheeks. He found himself zoning out when he felt a pair of hands-on his shoulder and suddenly his room is crowded. Not all of the team members come to look in Wakatoshi, it just their regular school friends, the MSBYs and the Adlers are here. Some members from EJP Raijin and Red Falcon too. He manages to catch his cousin walked towards him but still too many people, too many things happen, Kiyoomi is tired.

"Go get some fresh air, Sakusa" He turned to see a hand on his shoulder and found out it was his cousin, he let a sigh. At least, his cousin knows him the better at all.

Miya Atsumu found the opposite hitter leaning against the wall outside his and Ushiwaka sharing room. Everyone knows Atsumu is loud and known for his bluntness but this time he's not stupid. He examines Kiyoomi face who pale like a ghost with eyes looking at... nowhere. His gaze is dull and empty. Honestly, Atsumu didn't know how to greets him but he clearly not the type of person that; 'hey, how are ya? ya' doing fine.' As he struggles to find words, Kiyoomi snaps at him,

"What is it, Miya?" he said in a flat tone, not lifting his gaze to see him.

Atsumu gives him a shocked look, "Ooho, hey Omi-kun! I'm just... um—" he scratches his nape nervously. What was the purpose he came to Kiyoomi's room? Ah right check-in their ace.

"Checking! yeah, So how is Ushiwaka-san?" he leaning himself beside Kiyoomi with maintaining some distance.

Kiyoomi brings his arm crossing in front of his chest and brings his gaze down, "What do you think he looks like to you?" He shifted his body weight to his left legs.

Atsumu raised his eyebrows. What unusual things happen, Kiyoomi is supposed to be angry with him or annoyed or telling him to get lost even spray disinfectant towards his face. But now, his tone showing no mockery, no threat, just a simple normal tone that doesn't sound normal to Atsumu at all.

The blonde perking inside of the room as he let out a chuckled, "Looks like someone has been hit by a truck".

Kiyoomi doesn't respond to whatever Atsumu jokes he tries to make. He was drained. Physically and mentally exhausted. And once again, Miya Atsumu it's not that stupid. He just doesn't know where to put himself in the situation he isn't aware of or used to.

"'m sorry, went too far" he mumbled.

He struggles to find a word but soon his brain clicked, "How did you know?" He turned his head to Kiyoomi. He blinks his eyes when Kiyoomi doesn't immediately answer

"Do you know he was sick? all of this time? " Atsumu tries again. No answer. Atsumu nods in amusement, "Interesting, why you didn't tell to us? We might be can prevent this to happen"

Kiyoomi growls under his breath. Prevent? As he's not trying to prevent this shit happen. We? There is no we when you dealing with someone dying because of cancer. "He doesn't want to"

Hearing Kiyoomi finally responds to him, Atsumu's face lightens up " Whoa? Who?? Ushiwaka didn't want us to know?" his gaze is very annoyingly for Kiyoomi. But now he doesn't want to fight him.

Kiyoomi only giving him a small nod. A loud whine comes from the setter. Loud enough to make Kiyoomi's ears bleed. "Aw, man! What is that, huh? Is it some big big big sickness like a type of 'i don't want people to know, I'm afraid to make them worry—

 _Yes, you right that type of sickness_ Kiyoomi replies with silence as he continues listening to Atsumu's rambling.

"What is it? Fever? Cold?" A laugh escapes from his mouth, "I wouldn't believe it if Ushiwaka catches a cold. He's a healthy big buff man, isn't he!"

At least Atsumu sounds normal, he doesn't look desperate knowing that actually, the one he's talking about is currently dying with cancer eating his lungs— and Kiyoomi wants to snap him so bad.

"Come on, Omi-kun~" that's it. His childish tone brings Kiyoomi to his peak of patient-level*. "T*ell us or at least, tell me! What is Ushiwaka's sick—"

Kiyoomi let a heavy sigh, "Cancer".

"—ness..." He sees Atsumu's shoulder slumping down with his eyes open wide. Disbelieve. Denial. Written in his face. Kiyoomi knows it, he felt all of that too and now he is suffering from it.

"What?" Atsumu asks in a whisper

"Cancer" Kiyoomi nods then bring his gaze to see Atsumu widen his eyes "Lung cancer". He said with a blank face. "That's it"

He let out another sigh when he felt a warmth on his hand by burring inside to his own hoodie pockets - actually, it's Wakatoshi's. He lend to Kiyoomi when they were in high school after running breakthrough heavy rain in Tokyo Summer Camp, giggling as they soaked in wet and Wakatoshi gentle as always let him use the bathroom first knowing his clean behavior. Soon after that, Kiyoomi found a pair of hoodie resting in the bed. Wakatoshi told to him to use his sp he could have a double layer from his actual cloth, giving him some extra warmth so he's not falling sick. -

Atsumu let out a nervous coughed as his back fusing with the wall. "How did you—?"

"I was there... with him" This time it was Atsumu who turning his head to examines Kiyoomi. He found nothing other than emptiness.

"Since when?"

Kiyoomi rest his head into the wall gazing up without letting Atsumu see his teary eyes, " December, last year"

The setter could feel his chest squeezing out _how he's not realized it??_ "It's already 5 months then..." he whispers. Unusually, he found himself stuck in the silence with Kiyoomi for a long time. He doesn't know what to do, what to say because he's also still shocked. Thank god, he sees the doctor came towards them as he talking to Kiyoomi about maybe— Ushiwaka's current condition. He leaned closer to eavesdropping on the conversation,

"It's been 5 months since the last diagnosis so cancer becomes worsen. The survival rate for five years ahead it's only 30%, especially he's an athlete it could be not helped. It's better to afford the surgery."

Atsumu could hear Kiyoomi's desperate tone as the curly man explaining some che? chim? chemi—therapy? whatever that name it's too hard for Atsumu to pronounce.

"Oh, may I ask, perhaps are you Ushijima's boyfriend?" the doctor asked. Atsumu raising his eyebrows as he sees Kiyoomi went blush and staggering,

"N..no" the man shaking his head strongly. Atsumu chuckled but decide to not be involved with the conversation.

The doctor gives him a nod, "He already wakes up. There is someone he wants to see and asked me to bring him inside. Why don't you try to check him?" the doctor said with a smile before asking permission to leave.

 _Damn, smooth._ The setter said to himself. He peering his head to the room and could see Ushiwaka laying on the bed limply. He crunching his nose then turn to Kiyoomi's sides.

"You hear the doctor said. Go in" Atsumu pointed the door with his shoulder. Kiyoomi gritted his teeth then shaking his head.

Atsumu sighed, " Omi-kun..." he scratching his arm, "If I was Ushiwaka-san, I would likely to do something I can't do before" He gazed towards the ceiling then continue, "Let's see.. hm"

He posing himself in a deep thinking process. Kiyoomi knows he is exaggerating it but still he curious so he decides to wait for whatever stupid thing he said through those teeth.

"Oh, I know! Maybe I would drag 'Samu out from the kitchen to play with me more since we rarely hang out together again..."

Ok, that's is not stupid as Kiyoomi thought.

He looked at Atsumu's face plastered with a genuine smile. "Forcing him to spike every ball I set for him. Oh! Oh! Dying his hair again! Yeah!" He could hear Atsumu chuckled before sighing then bowing his head,

"Everything with him makes me happy so... I want to fulfilled my last time in the earth with something meaningful.. and spent it with meaningful people"

 _Spend some meaningful time..._ Kiyoomi never thought of that, not even passing away in his brain.

Atsumu turning his head to see Kiyoomi's face, " **Because isn't it great if the last thing I saw before leaving this world is someone who made my life meaningful?** "

Kiyoomi gasped for breath. This is the first time he allowed himself to agree with Atsumu. But reality washed him up, Wakatoshi isn't his brothers nor a blood-related person. Will Wakatoshi feel the same towards him? Does his present meaningful?

Instead of agreeing with Atsumu, Kiyoomi letting out a growl, "What are you trying to implied to?" his eyebrows are raised.

Atsumu grinning at him, "Ah, nothing!" then make a sudden departure, "But it's better now than never~ Good night!" A sound of a door slammed on the other side of the room corridors signaling Atsumu has entered his room with leaving Kiyoomi clueless.

Kiyoomi sighed, as he looks to his room. Seem everyone already left. Now, it just two of them.

...

_"We thought we gave each other world, but turns out we didn't know such a thing. Guess life like this, shits happen. And we look for the magic. But good things always come to an end."_

_Sakusa Kiyoomi's Spotify playlist currently playing: Crying over you - HONNE, RM, BEKA_

...

"Hey" Kiyoomi greeted by a weak voice from Wakatoshi who currently half sitting in his bed. Wakatoshi's eyes were somber. "I'm sorry for dragging you in for what happen with me" He looked down. Kiyoomi hates it so much when the man being so stubborn.

"How many times I said don't apologize because I want to!"

Kiyoomi didn't realize he was raising his tone until he sees Wakatoshi's mouth hanging gape as he tried to say something but nothing comes from his mouth. Wakatoshi looks down again where he rested his hand upon the lap. Kiyoomi sits on the edge of Wakatoshi's bed as he leaning closer to the man.

"But still, my presence makes you sad. I made our team lost—"

He stopped Wakatoshi from speaking by grabbing Wakatoshi's palm, clutched his own hand to his, intertwining their finger so he could rest his head there. "Stop, Wakatoshi-kun. Just stop.."

He squeezing Wakatoshi's hand lightly, inhaling deeply the comforting smell from the man's hand. The _5-year survival rate is only 30%, he might not make it_. The doctor's words lingering in his head. Wakatoshi will be gone. Left him.

Wakatoshi brings his other hand to brush Kiyoomi's back curly hair. He said nothing.

"I want it" Kiyoomi felt his voice shaken but he doesn't permit his tears to escape from his eyes. "I care about you so that's why I tried to be persistence with you." he brings his head up. _better late than never._ He's collecting his courage then look him deeply in the eyes.

"I like you"

...

" _Please don't let this love die young. If I'm gonna lose someone. Don't let it be you._

Sakusa Kiyoomi's Spotify playlist currently playing: Love Die Young - Eric Nam

...

He thinks of rejection, he thinks about disgust in Wakatoshi's face. But Kiyoomi loved surprises and now Wakatoshi giving him one by cupping Kiyoomi's cheeks with both of his large warm calloused palms. He brought their face closer as answered Kiyoomi confession, sweet and gently

"I like you too" their lips brushing each other but not close yet to taste each other present. Kiyoomi's face lightens up, he searches for a meaning behind Wakatoshi's glaze and found a true sincerity soft pair of eyes looking at him. "And I care about you too."

Wakatoshi kissed his forehead. Surprisingly, Kiyoomi thought the lips will land on his.

_This man... I'm so in love with him._

"Then why pushing me away?" Kiyoomi felt his lips trembling. If Wakatoshi feels the same with him the why Wakatoshi pushing him away? Why he has to suffer alone?

Wakatoshi let his face rested on Kiyoomi's clavicle. "I was giving you some space" he mumbled into his neck. But Kiyoomi was taken back with a confusing look.

"For what?" He pushed Wakatoshi's body so they could stare at each other.

"Space for what, Wakatoshi-kun?" He asked once again as he examines the other man's face who looks somber.

He inhales deeply, " **For getting rid of this feeling you have towards me** ", and exhales slowly.

...

(notes: you should listen to the song when reading this below. Good luck with the angst!)

..

_Uri saranghaji marayo ajigeun jal moreujanhayo_

**Let's not fall in love, we don't know each other very well yet**

_Sasil jogeumeun duryeoun geoya_

**Actually, I'm a little scared,**

_Geudae mianhaeyo_

**I'm sorry**

_Uri yaksokhaji marayo naeireun tto moreujanhayo_

**Let's not make promises, you never know when tomorrow comes**

_Hajiman i mal maneun jinsimiya_

**But I really mean it when I say**

_Geudae johahaeyo_

**I like you**

Ushijima Wakatoshi's Spotify playlist currently playing: Let's Not Fall in Love - BIGBANG

...

Kiyoomi stunned, mouth agape with incredulity "Wakatoshi—"

He gave him a perplexed look. Wakatoshi was trying to pull Kiyoomi into hugs but the Kiyoomi stiffen as he doesn't want to be embraced. "What do you—" Kiyoomi breath fasten

"You said you just—"

"I know, I know..." Wakatoshi repeated himself, " I care about you—"

Kiyoomi shakes his head, "It sounds like you hurting me not care for me?" In the end, Kiyoomi was questioning himself about his action, his decision, and his thought.

"Would you listen to me first?" Wakatoshi grips his cheek tightly. Kiyoomi slowly nods then Wakatoshi released his palm to put them on his lap. Their room is cold as silence washes over it.

Wakatoshi starts to open his mouth, meanwhile, Kiyoomi's heart prepares just in case Wakatoshi giving him another surprise.

"This is why we always crossing each other. You don't let me finish my sentence. But I do understand because perhaps, you are also scared that the fact I'm dying. Am I right, hm?" His voice is so soft, Kiyoomi barely missed it. His voice is tender, Kiyoomi would like to melt with him. And he was right, Kiyoomi is scared of the thought of losing him.

"I care about you, your future, and maybe will be ours too."

oh.

future.

Their future that he even starts to think about it yet.

"Kiyoomi, " he took both of Kiyoomi's hands onto his palm, rubbing his knuckle softly. " I can't promise anything when I never know when tomorrow will comes or not... I know I feel like I'm being selfish but—"

He gasped then continues, staring at those black mesmerizing eyes deeply.

"Let's not fall in love. Let's just stay like this. Why we should make it more painful?" He asked slowly

So that how it actually went.

Like a game, they were playing a tug of feeling. Both of them care for each other yet they do it in their own way, which will never lead them towards something but instead stuck in the middle at the same place. Wakatoshi pushing him away because he cares about a 'what if' and ' what will '; _what if he dies tomorrow, what if Kiyoomi give up on him, What will happen to Kiyoomi when he left him alone?_ On the other hand, Kiyoomi was busy thinking about 'why and how'; _how it could happen, why he didn't do anything, why he didn't realize it sooner?_

Both of them are too preoccupied with the past and future but none of them aware of the present. Their path always crossing but they never stay in the middle. They always walk away in fear of each other thoughts. But what has Kiyoomi feared is already behind him and what Wakatoshi feared is too far away in the future. So Kiyoomi understands what Wakatoshi means and what he has to do for now. He's stupid enough for being too stubborn.

"Kiyoomi please say something" his tone was so desperate that makes Kiyoomi's heart goes shrink in.

He tries to find his voice, "I...do understand" both of them letting out a heavy sigh. Kiyoomi raise his head, " I understand if you still want to push me away"

_I don't want to let go of you, yet. I don't want to give up_

Kiyoomi said with all of his heart but his voice didn't have the power to say it, "And yes, I'm afraid." he just said that.

Wakatoshi nods slowly as he brings their hands together.

"But I'm mean it when I say I like you. But I can't promise anything, I can'—

"Wakatoshi-kun " Kiyoomi interrupts fast. Both of them staring into each other eyes. Wakatoshi's silence encouraging him to continue his sentence

_Meaningful. Spend some meaningful time._

"It's okay. but in one condition," Kiyoomi breathed deeply. "Please go outside... I mean— I don't know, do something you never do before. Be alive even if this might be your last day. See the sun, uhm.. maybe start harvesting some paddies? You told me you love farming right? But If it's possible to harvest in Tokyo..." Kiyoomi blabbering

"Kiyoomi—" Wakatoshi eyes raised in amusement,

The black curly hair man suddenly stands up to move away from him, "Uhm... I just. what I mean is..." He found himself trembling to continue his sentence. But then he found himself warped into the man's hugs. Wakatoshi is literally tried to stand up to reach up to him,

"Go on" his voice soothing into his ear

"I was trying to spend more time with you because I'm afraid I will lose you for a sudden time... But you're also right about me, about my own good, so.. it just" He's pulling him away from the hug to see the man face for the last time

He sighed as he forcing himself to smile rise in his face,

"Spend.. your time doing some meaningful things and be with meaningful people. I don't want to see you, I don't know, rotten alone in your room?" he lets out chuckled.

Wakatoshi not saying anything he just stares at Kiyoomi as if it's the last time to see the man's face.

"Okay, I'm exaggerating it but you supposed to be asleep now " Kiyoomi pushing his chest lightly to bring him laying down in the bed. As the man getting comfortable in the bed, he raised his face to cup one side of Kiyoomi's cheeks

"I understand" he let a soft smile but then changed into a whimper alongside a severe pain written on his face

"It hurts?" Kiyoomi's eyes glazing with tears again with some panic as he places his hand on the top of Wakatoshi's broad chest. Soon he relieved when he felt Wakatoshi's chest is raising as he breathing normally. Wakatoshi only replies with soft nods,

"It's okay" he places his own hand on Kiyoomi's then pulled the man into a hug.

Kiyoomi closing his eyes, melting his body into Wakatoshi's secure arms. He doesn't realize he's been waiting for this since he was 13, he's desperate so he cries into Wakatoshi's shoulders.

"I'm sorry, I make you cry again. I'm sorry"

He strokes Kiyoomi's back. His arm pressing into his waist as he hugs him tightly so Kiyoomi is now onto him.

"it's okay," Kiyoomi mumbles in his neck then resting his head on Wakatoshi's chest, facing him with flushed bright pink cheeks. He felt a warm kiss place into his hair, and another peck on his cheek. And a bops on his tip of the nose.

"I'm sure I'll be fine. But how about you? Will you be fine if I'm gone?" Wakatoshi whispering to his lips. Kiyoomi smiled,

"I'm not sure" he bites his own lower lips, then he smiled "But what I know for sure, it's not happening yet and you are still alive, breathing together with me. So I don't waste any chance. How about you?"

When Wakatoshi brought his face closing the gap between them, Kiyoomi felt like he's flying to heaven. Their lips collide in perfect unison. Savoring each other like there is no tomorrow. It's only a short and sweet kiss but they do it repeatedly because Kiyoomi knows he might kill Wakatoshi accidentally if he pulled him into a long and deep kiss. He could feel Wakatoshi's prickled tears start to run down his face.

"It's okay" Kiyoomi murmurs between their endless kiss. He starts to feel cry again as his voice shaken,

"It's okay to not be okay"

And they're crying together, letting out all of their burdens and telling all of the untold truths as they taste each other salty tears. Tongues tangled, craving for each other love. Kiyoomi pulls their lips. His face flushed and so does Wakatoshi's. Eyes, red from all the crying, look awful on Wakatoshi's face. Kiyoomi reaches for his forehead and plants a soft kiss, "Sleep."

...

_"Holding you until you fall asleep. And it's just as good as I knew it would be. Stay with me, I don't want you to leave."_

_Sakusa Kiyoomi's Spotify playlist currently playing: K. - Cigarettes After Sex_

...

Kiyoomi watches the man drift off to sleep. When he sure Wakatoshi is sleeping, he gets up to get some fresh air. He ignored the itchiness as he wants to bury himself against those warm chests.

 _He makes me felt so safe._ Kiyoomi thought wondering. He sliding out to their room balcony and finding himself lost in Tokyo scenery. He lends to the fence with one hand scrolling his phone. A thought wanders should he call this person or not. He looks away from his phone to the tall building surround him. Looking up high as he suddenly feels something vibrating in his hand.

Uh oh... well

"Good night, Utsui-san" How in the earth Utsui Takashi, Wakatoshi's father, the person Kiyoomi thought in his mind called him first?! Ok. Kiyoomi that doesn't make sense.

"Hello Sakusa-san, How are you? I'm sorry for disturbing you by the way"

A light cheerful tone from across the line makes Kiyoomi smiled. How can be this light-hearted and cheerful person is a parent from Wakatoshi? Their personality is too different.

Kiyoomi shook his head while he's peering into his room to checks if Wakatoshi awake or not. But that man sleeping like a log so Kiyoomi doesn't have to worry about him waking up. "No. Not at all, Sir"

"Um, okay so Iwaizumi just called me about what happen today...,"

Kiyoomi wait for the pause,

" I would like to say thank you for keeping an eye on my son"

"Of course. It's my pleasure too"

Utsui lets out a laugh,

"You're not sounding like his rival at all! Or Wakatoshi would say 'a worthy opponent' "

A warmth spread Kiyoomi's chest as he continues to hear Utsui telling all of the stories that Wakatoshi maybe had told him before. In conclusion, Wakatoshi acknowledges him and tells about him to his father.

"Thank you really," Utsui ending his story.

Ah, Kiyoomi wants to hear more.

"You are welcome...Oh, Utsui-san?"

"Yes?"

"Uhm, is Wakatoshi-kun planning to going back to California?"

"Hmm... Yes. I told him to go here so I could keep track of his condition and maybe he's doing some treatment but we don't talk about it further"

"Oh.. okay, and—"

"His flight is on Wednesday which is will be two days from today if you asked"

Utsui gives a hinted smile but of course, he couldn't see it.

Kiyoomi just stunned in silence

"Hello? Sakusa-san?"

"Ah yes.. yes thank you sir for the information."

"Hahaha... of course, Good night Sakusa-san. You were great today. Wakatoshi right, your spin is so nasty!"

"Yes thank you. It's an honor for someone like you to watch us. And good night too, Sir"

The call ended. _Two more days before Wakatoshi left for the USA._ Kiyoomi sighed. Guess this is gonna be the last night he would see the man.

* * *

Kiyoomi is half-awake when Wakatoshi finished dress up in his morning jog clothes, "Wake up, Kiyoomi" a sudden voice made him open his eyes fully as he watches Wakatoshi smiles toward him, leaning against the counter. He put his hand on his jacket

Kiyoomi stretching his body like a cat on his bed. "Morning too, Wakatoshi-kun" His voice is still sleepy and exhausted from yesterday's intense match. Kiyoomi doesn't realize when the other man walked towards him and he finds himself blushing when their face is only separated by an inch.

 _Is he going to kiss me? but.. but.. I'm not washing my mouth yet. How if my morning breath smell awful_ Kiyoomi drowned in his own thought. He shuts his eyes ready to feel Wakatoshi's lips but the man in front of him let out a smirk,

"Waiting for a kiss, hum?"

 _this bastard,_ "Shut up" he tried to sound bold but ended up whining like a baby.

In the end, Wakatsohi gave him an Eskimo kiss. "I want to jog for a little. Would you mind if I invite you but it's— "

Kiyoomi blinks at him. _Tomorrow, he's going back to California. Tomorrow._

"yes, wait for a minute" he rushed toward the bathroom, cleaning himself first then going out with a pair of black joggers and a turtle neck jacket.

Wakatoshi shaking his head in disbelieve, "I haven't finished my sentence yet but okay guess you come along."

They jog side by side close enough to feel each other warmth. "Even I think the sun still enjoying his nap," Kiyoomi said as he looks up to the sky and only found a grey cloud above them

"His? Are you assuming nature objects have a gender?"

"Ugh, don't take it seriously" Kiyoomi rolled his eyes but still laughing.

They passed the crosswalk, went down a hill then up again. Passing the pedestrian and elementary school. They jog slow but Kiyoomi couldn't see where is the end.

"We've been passing some unfamiliar street, You sure know where are you going to take me?"

Wakatoshi slowing down his pace, almost walking rather than jogs. "Honestly no."

"Wakatoshi-kun!" He giving him a perplexed look. But Wakatoshi ignoring his protest instead he took Kiyoomi's hands and running towards the nearest park. "Come on!"

Kiyoomi, who dragged by Wakatoshi, tries to not stumbling with his own feet, "Slow down, Wakatoshi-kun!" He said between the breath. The older man turning his head backward, "We can't be late!"

In Kiyoomi eyes, the moment when wind brushing his hair shows his beautiful forehead and at the same time, his eyes wrinkle into a half crescent moon shape, smiling at him. All played in slow motion. _Thank you, wind_ _god_ , as he prays to whatever wind spirit there.

They finally reach the park. "Would you warned me first if we're going to run like that" Kiyoomi gasping for air as he sits beside Wakatoshi on the ground

He felt tugs on his sleeves as he found Wakatoshi giving him a genuine look. "What?" he asked Wakatoshi when he feels his cheek redden.

Wakatoshi squirting his eyes then points towards Kiyoomi's back. "Surprise" he let a chuckled.

Behind him, Kiyoomi starts to notice warmth from the sun as the first rays of sunlight hitting his body. The sky is blue clear so they could portray the sun emerging shyly from behind Mount Fuji's side. He finds himself lost in the scene as soon as the sunlight enlightens the mountain. It was so clear with no skyscrapers blocking out the view.

"It's so beautiful," he said to himself.

Kiyoomi shifted his position then patting the empty side of him telling Wakatoshi to sit beside him. Both of them watch the sun rising to the sky with faces showered with gentle orange rays.

"I never knew we could see Mount Fuji in Tokyo with a such clear view like this." Kiyoomi hummed. He might be staying too long in Osaka - sea city- as he sometimes forgot about the mountain. But for Wakatoshi he must know the best place to see this scenery because he grew up in Miyagi and played professionally with Adlers in Tokyo.

"My whole life while in Tokyo is spending my time chasing for sunrise alone. So today, I thought it's a good idea to bring you with me"

Kiyoomi watches the older face soften. "Thank you for taking me here" that's all Kiyomi could say.

"What if I take you with me for the rest of my life?"

A sudden question from Wakatoshi makes him jump a little bit. "Huh?"

Out of the blue, Wakatoshi tore away his gaze from the mountain to see Kiyoomi widen his eyes.

"Would like you to spend your time with me? I'm afraid, my life wouldn't be long but..."

Kiyoomi gulping his own saliva,

_The survival rate is 30 % it can't be helped,_

Wakatoshi took both of his hands and holding him,

"I was thinking about what you said last night, that I should spend my time doing something meaningful with meaningful people..." He's holding his breath, "Would you like to come with me to California?"

He tightening the grip around Kiyoomi's fingers. Feeling the skin to skin fusing.

"I'm planning to have surgery in California. And from out of from the people I know, not even my father, the last person I want to see just in case I couldn't make it, it's you Kiyoomi."

Kiyoomi sniffles. He brought his head down, knowing his tear would likely start falling soon. "It's not happening yet but you'll make it through it.." he said.

"I know... I know... it's just we never know when tomorrow comes, right?"

He extends his arm to tilt Kiyoomi's chin then looks deeply into his eyes, "But for sure, we do have our fully able to control what is in the present. So I want to take this chance for both of us..."

He placing their intertwining hands to his chest. Feeling a warmth spreading through his chest then to the clothes he wears.

"Because I realize that I want to spend the last day of my life with someone who matters for me the most. With someone who means to me and I don't want to waste another chance and another time especially time because it's something I lack for"

Their forehead touched and Kiyoomi could feel their lashes tangled together. Wakatoshi continues his line with a question,

"So will you stay by my side for the rest of my life?"

A single happy tear sliding down from Kiyoomi's cheek, "Why bothers asking a question when you already know the answer?"

"Say it, I want to hear it from you." Wakatoshi's warm voice whispering into his mouth with lips already capturing each other.

Kiyoomi deepens into a kiss, "Yes, 'Toshi-kun" He said between a breath,

"Yes." He kisses him last time before wiping out his tears.

Wakatoshi letting go of their intertwined hand to opens his palm and place it onto his chest. As he inhales and exhales, "Remember this feeling. Remember that I'm breathing with you", Kiyoomi does the same.

He puts Wakatoshi's palm on his chest, feeling each other chest movement with their shoulders moving up and down. With their forehead touching, they closed their eyes to deepen the breathing.

_Inhale Love_

_Exhale Gratitude_

As a whisper comes from each other mouth,

"I'm breathing with you"

... 

_Like a water in the desert, Impossible to find. But you found me when I was broken. Put me back together, gave me life._

Ushijima Wakatoshi's Spotify playlist currently playing: you! - LANY

...

* * *

BONUS!

The first and second match was intense as both Argentina team racing their point.

"Is that I or Omi-kun and Ushiwaka-san played 'hard'? You know what I mean?" Atsumu said when he is waiting for his next pinch-serve while watched the team from behind.

Motoya, Kiyoomi's cousin, knows for sure that Kiyoomi is in a good shape to play "Yeah, Omi spike is sharper than before and Ushijima-san seems to have a lot of energy."

"Are they having sex before the match or somethin'?"

"Atsumu!" Motoya slapped his head because of Atsumu bluntness

"They're not even in a relationship!"

Atsumu raised his eyebrow "Huh? Aren't they? I thought—"

"Huh? No... Huh?" Both of them look clueless then laughing out loud

"Shut it Miya, it's your turn to serve" Kiyoomi shouts from the court, ending their conversation but with a giggle comes out from Wakatoshi beside him. "I'm looking forward to it, Kiyoomi." then leave him bewildered.

"huh... LOOKING FORWARD TO WHAT?!"

wait.

Uh. Oh.

_Damn it, Miya_

"Miya-san if you failed to score with the service, I swear I'll kill your twin brother so you can't eat his onigiri again" Kiyoomi went grr grr bark bark

**Author's Note:**

> HOW WAS IT  
> AAAA I'M SO IN LOVE WITH THE LAST PART LIKE I was reading my 2020 journal then I found a quote I wrote "Inhale Love, Exhale Gratitude". I believe it was from my yoga instructor. And it's stuck on my mind then I was like OHOHO WHY DON'T I PUT THIS ON THE ENDING LIKE YASH. 
> 
> I also quote from Sakusa dialog in chapter 394 (maybe?): To going out with a smile, ending on a victory. Both would be nice but he doesn't find either particularly necessary  
> I found it suits to their condition right now.
> 
> and about lung cancer, they actually have two types which are Non-small-lung-cancer and small-lung-cancer. Wakatoshi's had the small-lung-cancer one because the NSLC occurs in people who smoke. the SLC it's not deadly as the NSLC one but it spread faster since the cancer cells are small. It can be cured by chemo and surgery with bedrest but because Wakatoshi does some heavy activity such as training, his lung works harder, he also takes several painkillers to decrease the chemotherapy effect which turns out badly to his body. 
> 
> yep, I hope that enlightens you! DON'T FORGET TO SHIPS USHISAKU!! GET IN TOUCH WITH ME IN TWITTER TOOO , I'm yelling for Ushisaku and kpop too~ 
> 
> @bsyrb1


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